Free but Grieving

The Tension Between Grief and Freedom

Right now, I’m in a liminal space—free from a marriage that drained me, but grieving the dream I hoped it could have been. That dream is still sacred to me because I wanted to honor God. I meant my vows. But I’m learning that just because I meant them doesn’t mean the other person did. And God, in His mercy, is helping me make peace with that.

It’s possible to feel relief and sadness at the same time. One doesn’t cancel out the other.

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 (NIV) says:

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.”

Right now, I am weeping and dancing. And that’s okay.

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A Life of Control, Not Partnership

He often made decisions without me. Where we lived, how money was spent, what I could do to heal mentally or emotionally—it was all up to him. I wasn’t a partner. I was an accessory to his agenda.

But godly marriage is not about control—it’s about mutual submission, sacrificial love, and shared purpose.

Ephesians 5:25 (NIV) says:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Christ’s love is never manipulative. It’s never forceful. It never seeks to silence or control.

Ephesians 5:21 also reminds couples:

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Biblical marriage reflects servanthood—not dominance. If someone uses the Bible to justify power over you instead of partnership with you, they’re twisting Scripture.

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Walking on Eggshells Became My Normal

I was always adjusting myself—my tone, my interests, my ambitions—just to keep the peace. If I was too happy, it was a problem. If I was too sad, it was a problem. If I had dreams, they became threats. I was surviving, not living.

But God’s desire for a marriage is peace, not anxiety.

Proverbs 31:11-12 (NIV) says:

“Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

That kind of trust goes both ways. In godly marriage, you should feel safe—not stifled.

1 John 4:18 tells us,

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.”

If love has to be earned by shrinking yourself or staying silent, it’s not love. It’s fear in disguise.

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It Was Never Love—It Was Control

I used to confuse obligation with care. But real love isn’t a tradeoff. It doesn’t say, “I’ll be kind if you please me.” It’s not performative. It’s not conditional.

1 Corinthians 13:4–5 (NIV) reminds us of what love actually is:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking…”

Real love doesn’t manipulate. It doesn’t guilt trip or demand something in return. It doesn’t shame you into giving. God’s design for marriage is a covenant, not a contract where only one side is held accountable.

If I could go back and whisper something to the version of me who thought I had to earn his care, I’d say this: You are not a transaction. You are a treasure.

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Facing the Fear of Retaliation

I wish I could say I’m 100% at peace, but the truth is—I still worry. He knows how to twist things, and I’ve seen how vindictive he can be. I’m afraid he’ll use the divorce as one last power play. Not because he loves me, but because he hates losing control.

But Scripture reminds me that I don’t have to fight alone.

Psalm 18:2 (NIV) says:

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

Exodus 14:14 is the verse I’m clinging to right now:

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

God sees every hidden motive. He knows the truth. I don’t have to strive to protect myself—He is my defender.

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But I’m Not That Girl Anymore

The girl who stayed silent out of fear, who tried to fix a broken man, who thought she could pray her way out of abuse—she’s gone. I loved deeply. I gave sacrificially. But now I see that love should never come at the cost of your safety, sanity, or soul.

I am healing. Slowly. Honestly. Boldly. I’m rebuilding my life on truth, not fear.

Isaiah 61:3 (NLT) promises this exmchange:

“To all who mourn in Zion, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.”

God doesn’t just rescue. He restores. And I’m believing He will do just that.

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A Prayer for the Woman Reading This

Father God, thank You for delivering me from a life of fear and showing me what true love looks like. I pray for every woman who sees herself in my story. Wrap her in Your peace. Speak truth over the lies she’s been told. Remind her that she is not alone and that You are not disappointed in her for walking away from pain. Strengthen her heart. Reveal Your will. Be her safe place as she takes the next step. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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If You’re In A Situation Like This…

You are not crazy. You are not dramatic. You are not broken beyond repair. You’re waking up to the truth.

Here’s what I wish someone told me earlier:

Abuse can wear a suit and quote Scripture.

God doesn’t ask you to stay in something that’s destroying you.

You can love Jesus and leave abuse.

If you’re not sure what’s going on or need support, here are some helpful resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline – 800-799-7233 | thehotline.org

Leslie Vernick Ministries – Christian teaching on emotionally destructive relationships | leslievernick.com

Focus on the Family Counseling Line – 1-855-771-HELP